Confusion and Christmas…

We have almost reached Christmas and with that comes a New Year and much trepidation over what will happen in that New Year.

Barely and evening goes by now where grandma knows where she is.  Whether it’s sundowning or not, well, it doesn’t really matter anymore.  I haven’t even seen much of her the last few weeks.  Most evenings she’s downstairs when we get there.  When I’m there, she asks if I got the day off or let go early.  She no longer knows the time of the day either.  She looks at clocks as we looked at computers 25 years ago!

Each night she has been up, she has waited until my parents turn out the lights and then asks if they are staying there.  She asks where they are going to sleep and then where she is going to sleep.  She has to be told that her apartment and her bed are down the stairs.  What she does when she gets down there is anyone’s guess.

Yesterday she was upstairs all day and didn’t sleep at all.  When she doesn’t sleep, she’s even worse, if that’s possible.  She did go down around supper and my mom hoped that she went to bed.  But when we peeked down, the light was still on.

On Thursday she never came up for supper, or her meds.  While we were visiting, she came up, she stood in the short hallway where her door is and that leads to the laundry room and out to the garage and she stood there for we don’t know how long.  Next thing we knew, she was gone, she had sneaked off back downstairs.

So it’s fortunate that we will have her for Christmas but I’m not sure what Christmas will bring for her.  I’m sure she won’t know my youngest brother, his wife, or the girls.  My other brother just moved back out of the house so it’s questionable there.  My aunt and uncle will be arriving Christmas Day as well and I’m not sure how she’ll take that as she thought her other son (I’m not going to get into that story right now) was her ex-husband several weeks ago.

I think the New Year will bring a move for her.  Either upstairs where my parents can care for her better or to Long Term Care… maybe both.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays.

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Who Are You?

I seem to find I’m saying the same things by writing too often lately.  It has been about 2 weeks since I wrote last now and in that 2 weeks, well, let’s just say we’re not sure she’s going to be staying with us through Christmas though we are hoping.

As we enter into the Christmas season, we often find ourselves nostalgic.  Sometimes we want what we had before because it was simpler.

We’ve watched grandma, over this last year fade away.  She’s got the mind of a child in an old, weathered body.  It’s not fair.  We’ve watched her slip away not only over a year but even over an afternoon.  One minute she can know you, the next minute her eyes have glazed over and it looks as though she sees nothing.

I told my mom that I wish she’d make up her mind about whether she’ll be with us for Christmas or not.  My mom thought, at first, that I was talking about money and gifts.  But that’s not what I meant–Christmas has always been a special time of year for me and even moreso while my daughter was little.  The magic of Christmas and the magic of Santa won me over.  If grandma passes away between now and then, it’s going to make it a very difficult Christmas for all of us.  If she doesn’t and she’s with us in body, how taxing will it be on her?  Christmas Day is a long day from start to finish.  Especially with young children running all over the inside of the house because they can’t go outside to play!

The last while she’s gone downstairs as soon as I arrive with my daughter.  She simply states to my mom that she has company.  Last week, my daughter was in a riding show so my mom came out to watch.  My dad stayed home and twice grandma came upstairs and asked for my mom.  Twice my dad told her where my mom was.  When my mom finally did get home grandma came up and said “I’m just going to ask, where the hell have you been?”  She is becoming obsessed almost and I’m afraid for my mom.

Twice in the last 2 weeks she has packed a bag.  Once she she said she was going home.  The second time she said that since my mom and dad had sold the house and moved she felt she better be going too.  When looking in her bag, she had packed her Depends, running shoes and pajamas.  No clothes.

It’s very hard to imagine how scattered their minds are.  I know how mine is from stress caused by work but to imagine dementia?  Impossible!

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Out of it…

We knew the time would eventually come when we noticed an even worse decline in grandma’s health than before.

That time is now.

She looks confused when we walk in the door and if we go to the kitchen first and then walk into the family room it’s as though we just walked in the front door again.  She looks at us oddly as though determining if we belong there.  I have always thought that when she no longer recognizes my daughter and I, it’s time to find a home.

Last night we were heading out to the hot tub and she told my mom she was so cold she couldn’t even think of going in the pool to cool off.  My mom tried to explain to her that it’s too cold for the pool and that we closed it weeks ago.

I’m still not sure if we’re nearing the end of her stay at the house or if we’re just nearing the end.  The other day she was in tears as she told my mom that she knows she’s not right in the head and that she prays to God that he not make her live like that any longer.  She wants to die.  I was at work but my first thought was what do you say to that?

How does a person react to that?

Today is another day.  We’ll see how she is.  I’m sure she’ll think I’m supposed to be at work!

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